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Since March 2003
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KC=Kimberly Caldwell
JJ=Jaded Journalist
JJ: So now we're back and we're here with Kimberly Caldwell.
KC: Yay! (laughs)
JJ: And I am really milking the cheap applause for what it's worth tonight. Cheap applause!
KC: Cheap applause, everyone. Please, please (clapping)
JJ: Now, before we get started, I have a present for Kimberly.
KC: Oh.
JJ: (holds a rose) This is for you, Kimberly. Because I am sorry. It was the longest, most expensive rose they had at the store.
KC: (gets up to hug him) Okay, make sure you get this on camera because you might never see it again -- no, I'm just kidding. Thank you. That's very, very, very, very nice.
JJ: But watch out for the thorns because I want you to be less mad at me, not more mad. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and break this one off.
KC: Yeah, go ahead and just take the thorns out because I'm not completely and totally over it yet. No, I'm just kidding. I'm totally over it, it's all good. This is too much. Thank you so much. How-- God, you're not even that bad. At all. Why are you so pleasurable and so awful, awful at the same time? And why do I have so much hate for you and you're so nice?
JJ: Well, that's the twist. I'm an enigma.
KC: He says, "I'm an enigma." Okay... this is so--
JJ: It helps that I'm so adorably cute.
KC: You really are cute.. (quietly) bastard. No, I'm just kidding. (laughs)
JJ: I'm like a human stuffed animal.
KC: You really do have that smile thing, I just wanna-- (hits herself in the face with the rose and laughs)
JJ: There's two interesting things about our relationship, I think. One --
KC: It's a love-hate relationship. Yes, it is.
JJ: One is that you're the first female ever to not like me that I've come across. And the second part is--
KC: Well, you were real cute and sweet there for maybe just like a half a second.
JJ: The second thing that I find interesting is usually people get to know me before they hate me but you hated me right off the bat so you got a jump start on that.
KC: (laughing) Yeah.
JJ: So congratulations.
KC: Thank you so much. My best friend called me and she's like, 'You are never going to believe what they said on the internet.' And I was like, 'Go ahead, tell me', you know? And I was like, 'Hmmmmm... okaaaaayy'...
JJ: (slides lower into his chair in shame)
KC: And then I just sort of transformed into Psycho Kim.
JJ: Your friend was right, you couldn't believe it.
(The rose falls off the stem and Kimberly holds the stem up.)
JJ: I didn't do that!
KC: Was this part of the scheme?
JJ: (holds the rose) I did not do that.
KC: (motions to the rose) Give it to me, give it to me. I'll put it in my hair.
JJ: That really expensive rose is now short. Expensive...
(Kim puts the rose in her hair)
JJ: Okay.. I hope that doesn't give you a rash or anything like that.
KC: (laughs) I'm probably going to break out in hives.
JJ: (motions to the stem) I can take the garbage part back if you want.
KC: See (points to rose) this was from you to me, (hands him stem) this is from me to you.
JJ: This will be like my receipt of the gift.
KC: (laughs) Your receipt.
JJ: Here you can have this leaf.
KC: Aww, I have a leaf.
JJ: A lot of people say the leaf is the best part of the rose, anyway.
KC: It is.
JJ: So do you think we'll be like a cute romantic comedy in that we start off hating each other and then fall madly in love... and one day, you'll be getting on the subway and I'll chase the subway down. I'll say, 'Kiiiiiim! Come baaaack!'
KC: (laughs) Um...
JJ: And then I'll get on the subway at the next stop and we'll kiss and the subway riders will all stare--
KC: Oh, gosh, we're already kissing. We just made up now, come on.
JJ: Well, I like to plan ahead.
KC: Oh, okay. Well, you just keep on plannin', buddy. No, I'm just kidding. I've never been rude to an interviewer guy before so I don't even know how to take it.
JJ: Most people start off being rude to me.
KC: Really?
JJ: Yeah.
KC: No, I don't want to be rude to you because you were so nice now, with the rose and everything.
JJ: You can make fun of me. People do it all the time.
KC: I don't want to make fun of you. You know, that's your job. To make fun of people.
JJ: You're not going to glare at me anymore?
KC: Oh, did you see the glare I gave you at the premiere?
JJ: I did, it made me keep walking away.
KC: Wasn't that nice?
JJ: And you know what? That reminds me. That's the second flower I've ever given you. 'Cause I gave you one at Oliver Beene, too.
KC: You did give me one at Oliver Beene but I didn't know who you were at the time.
JJ: Ah, so that one didn't count.
KC: Yeah, that one didn't count. 'Cause I probably would have threw it back at you. (laughs) No, I'm just kidding.
JJ: Isn't this great?
KC: I really do love the Jaded Journalist.
JJ: Wow. Wow, everybody. (claps) You know that's the--
KC: And I'm over the entire him-talking-trash-about-me-and-all-of-my-friends.
JJ: That's the first time that anybody's ever said that.
KC: I'm sure it is.
JJ: Maybe you should give me a rose back.
KC: Okay, I'm going to stop being so smart. Let's do an interview.
JJ: We are.
KC: Okay.
JJ: This is it. But, through the magic of editing, I'm going to end up looking terrific.
KC: Right and I'm going to look like the awful one.
JJ: No. That's impossible.
KC: And then you'll have to give me another rose.
JJ: That's my flower budget for the year.
KC: Okay.
JJ: And I want you to know, I'm not even going to expense that at work. I'm paying-- I'm out of pocket for that rose.
KC: Are you kidding me?
JJ: Yeah, I'm serious. That's how much--
KC: Do you need me to like help you out or anything with the whole money situation?
JJ: It'd be nice.
KC: Okay.
JJ: It was like--
KC: I'll give you a whole quarter.
JJ: It was like $5.95. I figured we'd just go like half on it...
KC: $5.95... okay, okay, well, I don't know. I'll give you like a buck. Is that okay?
JJ: I guess I could do that.
KC: Can we do that?
JJ: Yeah.
KC: Okay, good.
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